Personal growth comes from one’s ability to process life experiences, learn from them and integrate those lessons and the wisdom/perspective that comes from them into one’s lived experience.
Growth, therefore, refers to an expansion of consciousness. When we grow we are expanding our ability to process present moment experience, whether adverse or favorable and glean from it the lessons it has to teach. This in turn expands our perspective and our ability perceive reality more clearly, helping us become more fully in tune with the present moment and all it has to offer. There is a fullness of experience here, in touch with all sorrow and all joy.
When we integrate this newly expanded awareness and ability to process our experiences into our sense of self, our consciousness, we develop more inner strength, resilience and a deepening realization of an infinite potential. There is nothing we aren’t capable of and all experience is neither good or bad, but just experience, that which connects us to life through the present moment.
If Not Growth, Then What?
When we tune out, numb, or engage through cycles of habit we end up responding to novel stimuli with the same recurrent responses. No matter what we face we come at it with the same mindset, same behaviors, and respond to our emotional experience of it in the same ways. We are stuck.
We all cope with life’s experiences differently. And few among us is able to fully process all that life has offered us. Childhood and social conditioning, old wounds, hardships, traumas, and confusing experiences can be challenging to really process. Even the beauty of a magical sunset can be hard to fully take in.
It can be incredibly difficult to really gain the perspective necessary to objectively witness and work through events and dynamics in a way that enables us to see them clearly and fully learn from them.
How Growth Happens
Concepts abound about personal growth including changing habits, improving perspective, making healthier choices, and improving one’s overall attitude. Self-improvement is a topic for which one can find a vast and wide-ranging array of resources and approaches to utilize and embark upon in order to “improve” and “grow”.
But, what does growing actually mean and what does personal growth really look like?
In the west, we generally regard personal growth as a conquest of sorts, placing emphasis on free will and determinism. It is through our own strength of will through which we persevere and become better. We are often taught to follow moral dictates and rules to abide by that define what it means to be good and then through our own will power are meant to follow them.
There is no question that will power and one’s intention and determination to change is a core aspect of personal growth. It takes courage to step into the unknown and to push the edges of what is comfortable for us.
But to see this process coming solely from our own volition is limited, and can create a sense of moral failure if it doesn’t happen. And, it also limits our understanding of what is required for personal growth. When we focus solely on our own will and morality it restricts us from tuning into what we actually need to feel better and to thrive.
Growth inherently implies that we are pushing past what we know. We are growing into spaces and embodying new ways of being that we’ve never experienced before. It involves experiencing life from new perspectives and recognizing inherent needs and then being able to respond in kind to allow those needs to be met.
This requires us to see things differently, do things differently, feel things differently and be okay with all of that. To grow is to explore new frontiers of human consciousness and experience, and brings with it feelings of vulnerability, discomfort, and fear as many unknown places are discovered.
Personal growth is unique to each of us and can look different for everyone. But, it generally involves being able to both effectively adapt to one’s environment and life’s demands while simultaneously understanding one’s own needs and effectively getting them met.
Like a seedling tree or a young infant needs food and nurturance to thrive, we all grow when the conditions are right and our needs are being met. It is both our environment and our response to that environment that contributes to our growth. Our will power and inner resilience is necessary, but only part of the picture.
The Sensitivity Cycle
Using the “Sensitivity Cycle”, based in the Hakomi Method of psychotherapy, we will explore common patterns and processes that are involved and bring light to those conditions that are necessary for growth.
The Sensitivity Cycle, is about attuning to what is present and what is needed, taking action to get the needs met, feeling the satisfaction of having the needs met, and allowing rest and integrating the new reality of being able to complete the cycle.
Here are the four parts of the cycle in more detail:
1. Insight – involves recognizing what is needed. We learn this by recognizing what we are feeling and allowing the feeling to be there. When we can allow it instead of push away or distract ourselves from it we better understand it and thereby understand what needs are underneath it.
Example: I may be feeling stressed out. Allowing myself to feel into this stress, noticing how it feels in my body, I get in touch with feelings of being overwhelmed. I may also notice a belief that “I can’t handle it”, or “There’s never enough time”.
Deepening into this I may then recognize a need for support, space, or simplification.
2. Action – involves taking those steps necessary to help meet the recognized need.
Example (cont.): Once I recognize that I need support and space I can do something to get that. I may ask for help or set boundaries. I may limit my obligations as much as possible and take a walk outside. I can offer myself support and even feel into and access parts of my being that feel more grounded or spacious.
Primarily, I am taking action that directly supports what I need. It is action in response to and that is attuned to the needs of my system.
3. Nourishment – comes when we feel satisfied. When we are attuned to our needs and willing to act to get those needs met we feel satisfaction; it is nourishing.
Example (cont.): After receiving help, setting limits, taking a walk, doing some movement or yoga I begin to feel less overwhelmed. I feel more centered, grounded, less rushed and tense. In this stage of the cycle we just let that in. After all, we have done something to feel better and to meet our needs.
This is like a digestive process after a good meal. We just let ourselves feel the satisfaction and allow ourselves the enjoyment that comes with that.
4. Completion – ties this all together. It is the recognition that we have been effective, that we have done what was needed, that we have shifted our reality and are better for it. There are lessons here, about our ability to know, to feel, about what we are capable of and about what is possible.
It is important to allow ourselves the space to integrate this new perspective. Rest is how we do this. Rest, recognition, and letting ourselves reorganize ourselves around a new reality.
Example (cont.): At this point I’ve recognized my overwhelm, done something to feel more supported and at ease and I’m feeling good about that. I now allow myself to rest, reflecting on how I’ve done this. I acknowledge my ability to stop and see what my system was calling for.
I took some courageous steps to meet my need and I’m feeling better for it.
It’s like climbing a mountain and getting to the top. There is new perspective here. Before rushing back down the mountain I allow myself to take in what I’ve accomplished and what this accomplishment means about what is possible for me.
Beliefs can shift here. The belief I had that “I can’t handle this” is shaken. I have handled this. “I can handle this”.
Life looks very different from this vantage point of confidence and inner strength and in this part of the cycle I reorganize myself around the new possibilities that come with my ability to effectively respond to adversity.
I have grown.
How Do I Actually Do This?
As discussed so far, growth happens when we process our experience of life and integrate that into our awareness and our being.
Tools and teachers abound to assist you in this endeavor. Practices of meditation, movement, yoga, writing/journaling, art/creativity, self-reflection, and psychotherapy all promote inquiry into experience, practicing presence and being with, and learning to bring the insights gained into lived and expressed experience.
One simple practice, called RAIN, created by Buddhist teacher Michele Mcdonald, and adapted by Buddhist teacher Tara Brach, offers an approach into one’s present experience to support deepening, awareness, new insight and growth.
For more a more in depth look into the practice check out this link:
Benefits of Psychotherapy
The kind of self-inquiry, reflection and growth discussed here can feel daunting. It certainly doesn’t have to be and it is often most important to approach ourselves with self-compassion, gentleness, and a sense of curiosity.
Growth is not something to be forced or manufactured, but rather something to be nurtured, supported and allowed.
Psychotherapy offers an environment to support your process of growth. It provides you with the supportive presence of another to help you hold the awareness of your experience and everything that comes with that: memories, emotions, body sensation, and vulnerabilities.
It offers that needed perspective to help support seeing what is present, being with it, allowing it, feeling it, understanding and processing it, and determining meaningful action in line with it. It creates the space necessary to allow the nourishment in and feel the satisfaction that comes with it.
Growth can happen alone and it can happen in relationship. Like a tree in the forest, there is a balance between doing it alone and receiving the assistance of supportive others. Too much from the outside can be smothering. But trying to only do it alone can be incredibly daunting.
If you’re feeling a need for support I invite you to visit my website to see if working together is something that will be supportive to you as you grow into the whole of who you are.
Check it out at www.therapyinmindfulness.com
Best and blessings to you on your journey of self-discovery and personal growth!
