As a psychotherapist, I often speak to folks about their needs. A frequent exploration and part of the self-discovery process is connected to a deepening understanding of need. Personal growth, healing, happiness and inner peace naturally occur when needs are met, but getting those needs met and even knowing what those needs are lies at the heart of the challenge.
In our modern world, the path to happiness is made out to be a quest of acquisition, the fulfilment of desires and wants. We’re regularly inundated with marketing and messaging about new products, technologies, experiences that will bring us satisfaction.
We focus on status, looking good, acquiring more power, prestige, money, or friends. We want more pleasure, more comfort, more fun!
There is nothing inherently wrong or bad about any of these things. But, when we focus so much on the fulfillment of wants we tend to overlook what we actually need. Fulfilling needs is what brings real satisfaction. Satisfying wants creates a temporary thrill while meeting needs brings more lasting satisfaction and contentment.
So, what do I need?
Understanding our needs can be challenging when we’ve been focused so long on just doing things that help us feel better in the moment. We live in a culture of instant gratification and tend to gravitate toward things that bring comfort and pleasure.
A common issue I see in both myself and the folks I work with, is the tendency to want to avoid feeling pain. Not surprising! Pain hurts and so we tend to try and avoid it as much as possible.
However, problems arise when we avoid painful feelings of discomfort that we experience. We don’t like feeling scared, agitated, angry, anxious, tired, embarrassed or confused. These are uncomfortable emotions and they feel unpleasant at best. And, because they don’t feel good, we end up doing things to avoid feeling them, and “to help us feel better”.
False Nourishment
We all want to feel better. We can either feel better by actually attending to and satisfying real needs, or by avoiding pain and discomfort and doing something that gives us temporary pleasure instead.
One is a long-term way of being in attuned relationship that supports overall growth, health and well-being while the other is a short-term strategy that is often self-destructive and disconnects us from ourselves.
When we are attempting to avoid our emotional discomfort we do so through a form of false nourishment. We imbibe or engage in some kind of activity that brings a sense of comfort but actually disconnects us from how we feel.
Compulsive behaviors to manage anxiety, constant activity to avoid feeling shame, substance use to numb or distract from pain, anger outbursts to give us release, blaming or judging others to avoid taking accountability, active avoidance through isolation to avoid social situations, or even constant attention-seeking to fill a void of not feeling good enough are all examples of false nourishment.
We have an underlying feeling that is uncomfortable and do something else that helps diminish that discomfort and brings us a different kind of comfort. Some needs can be indirectly met this way, but they often come at a cost to our health, well-being or relationships.
One experience most of us are familiar with is feeling tired. Our fast paced culture encourages us to “Keep up!”, “Don’t miss out!” When we feel tired there is often the tendency to keep pushing, drink some caffeine, and keep going. Tiredness, fatigue, exhaustion are feelings we can begin listening to. The underlying need, no surprise here, is often for rest. That might look like sleep, but it may just be a need to slow down, to lie down, to support relaxation and rest the body and the mind however that might look for you.
The intention behind all self-destructive or unhealthy coping behaviors is to feel better.
We are engaging in and doing something to try and bring a sense of peace, well-being, or joy to ourselves. But, the benefits of these actions is short-lived and does nothing to address the actual underlying needs.
The Beauty of Feeling
Simply put, we must learn to feel our feelings.
Experiences of suffering, discomfort and painful emotion are meant to be felt. To not feel is to not learn and grow. Avoidance begets avoidance. When we comfort ourselves through some form of false nourishment we do so at the cost of disconnecting from our emotional experience.
The path of understanding and growth lies in being able to hold space for and allow ourselves to have our emotional experience.
Feelings won’t kill you. They can often feel overwhelming or like they’ll take us down or are too painful to bear in some way, but in the end, all emotional experience comes and goes in passing waves. We must learn to ride the waves, through acceptance and an openness to experience.
All we need do is allow ourselves to have our emotional experience. When we feel our feelings we connect with ourselves. Allowing our emotions the space to be felt is a form of self-validation: we connect with our own existence, our sense of self, and actually grow in the process.
And, as we allow our emotions the space to be felt and move through us we grow in perspective. Feeling our feelings puts us in touch with our needs.
Knowing What You Need
Whether we are feeling pleasant or unpleasant emotions, doing so connects us with our needs.
To acknowledge that something is painful and to allow ourselves to feel that pain, helps us get in touch with what isn’t working or what about an experience is hurting us.
If we are feeling anxious for some reason, we can act out of that anxiety and become controlling of others, become avoidant and withdraw or get angry and push others out. We can attempt to pacify the feeling through numbing out or become active and give it somewhere productive to channel into.
And yet, all of these are forms of false nourishment. That doesn’t make them bad per se but it does indicate that the real underlying needs aren’t directly being met.
The practice is to recognize, allow and get to know the emotional experience.
Giving the emotion some space and letting that emotion live in the body is feeling the feeling. When we do this, we start to unravel what needs are connected with the feeling. Maybe I’m feeling less than, or ashamed, or scared and overwhelmed beneath my experience of anxiety.
As that becomes clearer, what I need also becomes clearer. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, inundated by too much going on, the need for space, for boundary, for self-care may be present. If I’m feeling disconnected or burdened, perhaps I need contact and support. If I’m angry, I might be recognizing feelings of hurt and of being missed or disregarded. My need may be for respect.
What we do from here is to take action to support the needs recognized. Instead of disconnecting from the feeling and doing something to immediately feel better, I am feeling what is present and connecting with what is actually needed. If I can then take action to support the need to be met I can begin to feel real satisfaction and the emotions themselves start to resolve.
Unresolved emotion indicates that the need isn’t being met.
Getting caught in a repetitive loop of feeling or behavior indicates that whatever approach is being made to provide satisfaction isn’t fully effective. Resolution occurs when needs are satisfied.
What exactly are needs?
Needs as I speak to them here are those things necessary to feel whole, happy and at peace within ourselves. They are varied and many, but include those essential elements that support a healthy body, mind and spirit.
We have physiological/survival needs for air, water, food, and sleep. We have safety and security needs and need protection from the elements and from harm or danger. We have relational needs for love, belonging, trust and support. And there are internal needs that relate to feeling autonomous, free, and engaged in a meaningful existence.
It is possible to exist without all needs being met. We can meet survival needs, for example, and stay alive, without others being met that help us feel safe. But, to really experience a deeply fulfilling existence and to feel at home in oneself, needs on all levels must be met to feel complete.
The following resources are helpful to help orient to common human needs and emotional experiences:
https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-feelings-inventory.pdf
Satisfaction
All in all, I think we all want to feel satisfied and not experience distress and suffering. We want to grow rather than stay stuck and to feel effective rather than ineffective.
Feeling your feelings allows a process to understand the needs those feelings are connected to. Every emotion is connected to a need. As indicated in the feelings inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication linked above, pleasant feelings arise when needs are satisfied and unpleasant ones when needs are not satisfied.
If we get caught in loops where we avoid unpleasant emotion or even squash pleasant emotion we are disconnecting ourselves from what we actually need to feel better and more whole.
To feel our feelings is to understand our needs. To understand our needs and to take effective action to meet them brings lasting satisfaction. We feel more stable, in tune and in touch, more empowered, and ultimately more ourselves.
Practice, Turning Toward
It must be said, that as simple as it might sound to just feel one’s feelings and understand the underlying needs, in practice it can incredibly challenging.
Most of us are in the habit of self-denial or emotional repression whether consciously or unconsciously and the strategies we employ to feel better and manage ourselves to feel stable and okay are often longstanding.
Feeling feelings, if we’re not in the practice of it, or if we’re dealing with real hardship, trauma, or distress can be overwhelming or intensely painful.
One way we can help simplify is to set aside some time to give ourselves space to bring attention to our internal experience.
Finding a comfortable space, sitting quietly take a moment to get connected with your body, feeling the sensation of breathing, of sitting, of being in your present environment.
As you become more settled begin to notice the sensation of your emotional experience, attending just to the physical experience of whatever emotion is present.
Get to know what that emotion feels like physically in your body. Does it feel heavy, dense, empty? Where is that you feel it? In your belly, chest, shoulders? What happens when you just feel that sensation? Can you stay with it? Notice what happens in the rest of your body as you do this… What else comes into awareness? Memories, images, other sensations, emotions?
As you connect with how a feeling is physically and energetically present, feel into this part of you and ask “How is this part of me feeling?” — “What emotions are here?” — “What am I believing to be true?” — “What is this part of me believing to be true?”
Giving attention in this way you can then ask this part of you, “What do you need?” or “What is needed here?” And let the that part of you holding the feelings, experiencing the physical sensations of it, offer a response. To help connect here, you can make contact with this part of you by placing a hand there and sensing into what is present with the contact.
Slow down… tune in… make contact… get curious… listen… feel… allow.
Whatever comes up, whatever you discover or understand about the need that you connect with take action to support it. Allow yourself to be creative and don’t overcomplicate it. It might be as simple as cradling yourself, speaking kindly to yourself. Asking for a hug. Going for a walk while breathing in the air.
I so often hear, “I feel weird doing that” or “It feels strange to think I have a different part of myself.” All I can say is that the human experience is mysterious and complex. What feels right and good to you may look weird to others. It often does, but that’s okay. I believe it’s a sign that you’re getting uniquely in touch with YOU!
Be Courageous!
Because so many of our habits are so ingrained, changing things, even if for the better, can be incredibly challenging.
Taking the time to check in with our feelings and our needs in and of itself takes courage. It takes a willingness to acknowledge discomfort and allow ourselves to feel that.
And when we recognize our needs it takes courage to act in accordance with them. Our wants often pull us in different directions and not fulfilling those wants in order to feel and meet our needs can feel scary, uncomfortable or difficult.
This is not an easy path, but it is rewarding. Real satisfaction is not impossible, but it requires listening, feeling, understanding and taking courageous action.
Turn in, turn toward, be with. Breathe deeply, take your time, be gentle. Feel, understand and act, courageously
